On Finding a Japanese Boyfriend…

Two issues back, a comic in this publication compared the chance of a foreign female getting a Japanese boyfriend to one’s chance of winning the lottery.  Winning the lottery’s definitely more difficult!  Whatever you’ve heard, there’s a shot for those of us raised in the West too.

I don’t have any fancy percentages for you, but Western woman-Japanese male couples do happen.  The beautiful, smart and talented single foreign women around me often dismiss the idea of Japanese men, or say they have no idea where to find them.  There are far more Japanese males than non-Japanese males on this island, so if you limit yourself to foreigners you have a very small dating pool.

Here are some places to dive in and find the man for you:

1.  mixi (http://www.mixi.jp)

Facebook is gaining traction in Japan now but for many years the only real social network in Japan was mixi.  Most people don’t post their own pictures, so if you post a foreign face you could be deluged with date-seekers.  More indirectly, many interest-based groups on mixi have meetings in real life where you could find both friends and dates.

Japanese level required:  intermediate to advanced

2.  OK Cupid (http://www.okcupid.com)

The majority of users on dating site OK Cupid are foreigners, but there are a few English-speaking Japanese men hanging around.

Japanese level required:  none

3.  Japan Cupid (http://www.japancupid.com)

Dating site Japan Cupid seems aimed at Western men seeking Japanese girlfriends – but Western females are allowed, and so are Japanese men.  The paid level of the service offers access to more profiles, but I know a Western woman who had success at the free level.

Japanese level required:  none

4.  Kansai Flea Market (http://www.kfm.to), KansaiScene Classifieds (http://classifieds.kansaiscene.com) and KansaiFreeAds (http://www.kansaifreeads.com)

The first two above don’t explicitly mention dating, but it’s obvious from the word usage (“playful personals”, “Friendship & More”) that dating-related personals are allowed.  Placing a personal ad online on all three sites is free, but you’ll have to pay to be in the print version of Kansai Flea Market.

5.  Gokons

A gokon is a more relaxed version of speed dating.  A single male and female friend team bring together all the single people they know, and everyone talks over a few beers in the hope of getting an attractive person’s phone number.  You need to know someone who’s setting one up to be invited, so having young Japanese female friends is ideal.

Japanese level required:  intermediate to advanced

6.  Do something that you’re interested in

Pick up the taiko sticks like you’ve always wanted to, join a video gaming group, play ultimate frisbee.  We tend to stay in groups of other ALTs and other foreigners because it’s easy, but taking the more difficult route may give the biggest reward.  At the very least you’ll have fun.

Japanese level required:  depends

Some points to remember on the dating hunt:

1.  Japanese people and men are foremost humans with unique personalities.  This sounds obvious but there’s a lot of “Japanese people this” and “Japanese people that” among the foreign community and out of the mouths of Japanese themselves.  A culture does inform part of the way someone acts, but there’s always going to be some exception to every stereotype.

2.  Japan may be safer than where you are from, but nowhere is 100% safe.  Meet men from the internet in public places away from your apartment and stay in cafes and restaurants.  A karaoke date sounds innocent but be aware you will be in a private room with a lot of noise around you.  If you choose to have sex, make that safe too.

3.  Don’t be afraid to make a move.  If you’re interested in someone, send them a message or a text about going out for coffee or dinner.  If you’ve been going out for a while and feel he’s into you but too shy to bump the heat up, do it yourself.  Recently young Japanese men have been derided for not being aggressive enough, but even beyond that many are shy because they think they have no chance with foreign women.

4.  Like any real dating advice will tell you, be yourself.

– Amanda Hahn has been dating her Japanese boyfriend for almost a year, although sometimes she suspects they’re both amnesiac aliens from the rarity of it all.  If you’ve had success with a method she’s missed, let her know at hahnamanda@gmail.com.