Love and Relationships: Dick-notized

Like seriously! OK! I know you don’t get it, because neither do I! You were always the friends who hung out and hunted down the great sales at Bloomingdales, Collectibles or SOGO while shopping together; drank cocktails together and bashed on guys; talked each other down off the ledge when you were at your lowest points; tried to figure out where the hell the good guys were; went on double dates together; were there for each other after every bad date and creepy guy encounter; comforted each other when needed, and then one day you realized that you were standing outside Lord and Taylor’s waiting on the doors to open for a massive 50% off sale and your BFF wasn’t there to stand guard with you. Your dear friend who has been your rock since forever has a new boyfriend. And naturally, you are happy for them. After all, you have spent many moons wishing for this moment. But then something doesn’t smell right [and it’s not the guy standing behind you at the Singles Date-athon], your BFF has started to act all superior on you! And then you think to yourself, ‘Is it me? Am I just being a mean, jealous bitch?’, or maybe….just maybe, someone got dick-notized.

According the Oxford Dick-tionary of Rainbow Terminologies, Dick-notization is a state where someone who has not gotten any good dick in a long while finally finds a guy, and now thinks that it’s the world. He/she starts acting superior and has no control over their thoughts and behavior. In this state, everything is ‘US’ and ‘WE’ and ‘JOHN and I’. A person who is dick-notized starts to pity their friends [who once were their rock], make comments like ‘Why is Dwayne still single? OMG’ and try to set you up with some dead-beat guy who previously neither of you would have given a first look, let alone a second. Dick-notization results in two things:- (1) – YOU feeling bitter, hurt and confused; (2) YOUR FRIEND being jaded, out of control  and over-sexed!

But all this started out slowly. There were signs, but you didn’t see them! It started one day when your friend met a guy and decided to go on a date. But, as usual, you thought this was just one of those ‘’dates’’ that will end badly with your friend rushing back to your apartment to cry his/her eyes out in despair. You would have no other choice but to devour a gallon of Haagen Daazs ice-cream, vodka and whip cream [if you feel a little S&M-ish… just kiddin’] and you would talk for hours… But this date was different. Your friend didn’t rush back to your apartment, but instead called you the next day and sounded giddy, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, as never before. But you just thought nothing of it. Weeks later, your friend is still seeing this guy [that you haven’t met yet]. Your Friday and Saturday night rituals have been cancelled or rescheduled and those are the nights she/he is ‘busy with John’. But you still thought nothing. Then at a lovely Sunday brunch [where usually, you two would have gone and hit the jumbo shrimps at the buffet hard] your friend turns up with ‘John’. He/she introduces you to ‘John’. As with any friend’s boyfriend, they want to make a good impression because they know that your ‘blessing’ on their relationship is important for its survival. So ‘John’ tries to be as nice as possible. But one thing is sure, with years of experience trying to find ‘Mr. Right’, you have developed impeccable ass-hole and dick spotting skills. So, after 5 rounds at the buffet and 5 light cocktails [not too much vodka…..it’s Sunday…LOL] you soon realize that ‘John’ is a ‘Dick’! Your friend has been so dick-notized that now he/she can’t see how bad ‘John’ is for them.

A Dick-notized friend is hard to un-dick-notize. Firstly, he/she is so jaded by all the sex and ‘fun’ they are having that they don’t see how much they have been short-changed. He/she is probably thinking that you are a bitch and jealous, of course, and that anything that comes out of your mouth if full of guile and bitterness. Secondly, he/she spends so much time with ‘John’ that he/she starts to sound like the ass-hole you want him/her to leave. So, when all is said and done, can you un-dick-notize a friend back to reality? Can you be the rock that you were before and reach down to your friend and show them how jaded they are? Can you rescue your friend from the hands of the ass-hole he/she fell for? Or, has so much damage been done that an un-dicking is impossible?

As a friend, there is only so much you can do (and no more) to undo a dick-notization. If you try to ‘open their eyes’ they might run for the hills and never come down and then you would have lost a friend. So, what to do? You can stand by your friend and show him/her love, because you know that one day his/her eyes are going to open and when those eyes are wide open and he/she finally sees the ass-hole for what he is, your friend is going need you to help him/her pick up the pieces. After all, that’s what friends are for. We stick with each other even when one falls off the horse and gets jaded by some dick.

Dick: That evil thing that causes a love-hate pull between you and it; it knows how to hit the ‘spot’ and sometimes it hits it so well it results in a side effect called Dick-notization. [Oxford Dic-tionary of Rainbow Terminologies, 2011].