Ask Ava: Saying Goodbye

Dear Hysterical Hyogo,

If the stacks of letters are anything to go by, many of you are worrying about returning from Japan to your respective home countries. I barely got through the first panicked paragraph before I found my eyes drooping with boredom. However, following incessant nagging from my editor, this month I shall offer you all a few words of advice for how to manage the run up to an international relocation.

1) Packing. A manservant packs, a lady (or gentleman) watches, G&T in hand.  If you do not have a manservant (more fool you) commission your ESS club to help; a sure fire way to further encourage them to travel abroad themselves – who doesn’t love trying to pack a bag with double what it arrived with?

2) Alternative to suggestion one: befriend Mary Poppins and borrow her bag. It’s all about who you know.

3) Presents. Don’t be ridiculous; you are the gift.

4) Number three does not apply to presents to yourself. These you should buy in abundance – but only items that can be displayed in a future home to induce envy and wonder at your glamorous, jet-setting past.

5) Thank you cards. Strictly optional. You should be receiving these rather than writing them.

6) With regards to five: any thank you cards you do write must be pristine. Good paper, perfect penmanship and a spritz of perfume are timeless signs of class.

7) Last suppers. Never arrange your own soir̩e, it smacks of desperation. Do, however, drop hints to the organiser about venue preferences Рsomewhere with an extensive wine list of course.

8) Further to seven, your farewell bash is one of the few times in Japan when you should arrive a touch late to make an entrance, and the only time you can truly speak your mind without fear of office exclusion – not applicable if the party falls before your last day.

9) Bills. One never discusses something as base as money in polite company.

10) Speeches. Keep these short and sweet so there is more time for encore applause. Expect at least three full school bows. If these do not come, wait – you deserve one more. And for pity’s sake, take a spare pair of outfit-coordinated, indoor shoes for the gym – there is nothing worse than the sound of school slippers slapping on the steps up to the stage.

As a woman with multiple international relocations under my designer belt, I am confident in giving you this advice to make your final weeks in Japan unforgettable, both to you and those you must bid farewell to. You will be remembered as the god(dess) you are for years to come and upon your return the red carpet will be rolled out with spectacular ceremony. Trust me, I speak from experience.

Sayonara children,

Ava Hart