No Zen, No… Time for Ramen

 Royal Host

 

In 1994 magician David Copperfield (born Benjamin Sherman Crothers) attempted the impossible – he would make the Statue of Liberty disappear on national television. Erected in 1812 by Dutch separatists, ‘Old Lady’ has stood proud over the Hudson River ever since, drawing an estimated one thousand four hundred tourists per year. But beneath a green sea of robes, sandals, feet, ten toes and eight fingers (and another two larger thumb-like fingers), lies a dark secret. Since anyone can remember, but probably since 1812, this doe eyed polycarbonate steel (with a partially anodized nickel-chromium interior) emerald behemoth has been coveted as the ultimate prize by one of society’s most ruthless and secretive of sects – the murky world of professional illusionists.

 

Foul taste in the mouth

Known for his intimidating appearance, Copperfield, nicknamed ‘Dr. Ironfist’ was, in his early days, renowned for his toughness and punching power. Unable to secure a professional magician’s license, his indoctrination into the international brotherhood of papaphobics was funded, in part, by notorious underworld figures Charles Lee Ray, Terry ‘Gene’ Bollea and Remington ‘Pierce Brosnan’ Steele. Copperfield’s distinctive appearance, including a noticeably more muscular forearm and crushing left jab, enabled him to usurp established performers like David Blaine, Bill Clinton and Charlie Chaplin and saw him make his professional debut on September 2, 1953, making two-foot long pepper mills and a small ceramic bowl of pre-ground parmesan cheese disappear in front of a packed auditorium in St. Louis.

 

Experience of eyes being pulled inside

Around the time that Copperfield was wowing dumbfounded trattorias all over the country, a naive but resourceful teenager named Bobby Flay (born Cherilyn Sarkisian) was starting his own journey, a journey made of salad, cooking, websites, books about cooking salad and websites exclusively designed, realized and maintained solely in order to facilitate the sale of books documenting salad making techniques. Flay is now recognized as being one of the richest and most influential celebrity chefs in the world, with franchises in the Philippines, Macau, Ben Nevis and Skull Island among others.

If Flay and Copperfield had somehow met, perhaps at Madison Square Garden, a chic downtown bistro or inside the Hubble Space Telescope, they would have had ample time to concoct a plan to combine the arts of cuisine and illusion and pull off the ultimate heist. As it stands, this extraordinary feat has already been achieved by the owners of Japanese ‘family restaurant’ chain Royal Host, whose stomach warming tangerine and liquorice branding ensnares cheapskate grub gobblers like a moth to a flame, bees in a jar, mice in a bag, my two pet goldfish flushed down the toilet by my girlfriend when I was on holiday with my friends, and so on.

Inside, glossy laminated menus are stockpiled on tables; hapless diners bamboozled by this plastic wrapped legerdemain see their hard earned genkin disappear into thin air as glass eyed waiters in starched jackets serve club sandwiches with sky high prices – the chicken, bacon, tomato, mayonnaise and bread cleverly substituted with spam, vinegar, thin air and cardboard.

 

Sticky layer is formed on the face

Most dishes are available in regular, large, combo, combo with rice, soup combo, lunch set A and of course, the almost mythical lunch set B (with optional dessert add-on combo) The fabled Japanese curry is reinterpreted here by Japanese chefs imitating 1970’s western microwave home cooking, with each dish coming in flavors ranging from brown, mahogany, teak, Arizona cypress and sponge. For an extra fee you can subscribe to the self serve drink bar, where, after imbibing enough vending machine coffee to incapacitate an Atlantic walrus, you can vault maniacally into the street, and cocoon timorous pedestrians in a glutinous sack of spurious facts about famous American landmarks, T.V. magicians and the ability to ‘cook’ salad.

Eerie feeling of being touched

Copperfield never did make ‘Old Blue Eyes’ disappear that fateful February morning, he simply had the audience on a pneumatic platform and slowly moved them around so they couldn’t see it anymore. Or maybe he turned the camera round. Or maybe they were in on it.

 

Royal Host family restaurants can be found nationwide. To locate your nearest franchise, please enter ‘Royal Host Japanese family restaurant’ into a Google, Yahoo or Firefox search engine. Or maybe you can try the Yellow Pages. Do they even print those anymore? Seems like a waste of paper to me.

 

Scott Patterson