New Feature! Just Ask Ava

Just Ask Ava

Do you have a burning question or cultural conundrum? Well, the Hyogo Times is proud to introduce the scintillating and savvy Ava Hart, here to answer all your concerns in her new column Just Ask Ava.

 

 

Dear Ms Hart,

 

Winter in Japan is a joke. People here don’t know how good they’ve got it. 50°F in December?! That’s picnic weather for me. At my school, as soon as it did drop below 50, these old-school gas heaters were bust out (with mysterious kettles of water on top) and the grunts of “samui!” became shouts. On top of this and the carbon monoxide poisoning hazard, I’ve repeatedly been asked “Aren’t you cold?” Seriously, how can　a question of concern actually be a criticism? Where I’m from, men are men and there is no way I’m going to wear a sissy sweater like my colleagues do.

How do I deal with this ‘unique’ Japanese season without going insane or boiling alive?!

Yours,

Overheating in Ono

 

 

Dear Overheating,

 

The use of passive aggressive questions is an art form as revered in Japan as ikebana and sado. Replying sarcastically as one might be wont to do in one’s native country, will only result in further concern for your health and a trip to the hospital to check your hypothalamus is functioning, or a bunny-in-headlights stare of confusion. Unfortunately for ‘manly’ men such as yourself, whose core temperature does run a little hotter, such questions are part and parcel of a true Japanese winter. Try to embrace them for the novelty of having colleagues converse with you; it certainly makes a change from the rally of “samuis” which usually constitute conversation for the winter months. Having said that, perhaps you are sick, your emotional reaction would certainly imply so. Have you considered a day’s rest in case this paranoia simply stems from a mild case of “man flu”? I understand it can be quite incapacitating.

In terms of the heaters, I advise you not to complain too loudly, lest a herd of ALTs lynch you in envy. Instead, make use of the improvised kettle-cum-humidifier for instant ramen lunches.

Lastly this winter, appease the sensibilities of your colleagues by covering up ankle to wrist in at least two layers. However, invest not in HeatTech but in CoolTech, which will wick away the layer-induced beads of perspiration and give the Uniqlo clerks something to talk about when you are the sole purchaser of last summer’s stock [now on super sale].*

 

From the warmth of a real office,

Ava Hart

 

 

* Ava Hart does not, and never would, be caught dead wearing mass produced garments such as this shop provides; she does, however, accept its necessity as a place to dress those over 5ft7.

 

Dear Ms Hart,

 

Later this month my Japanese boyfriend’s mum is taking me to Kinosaki for a true onsen experience. Now, I love a gossip and wallow in hot water as much as the next person, but being naked with my man’s mother? Too weird. I thought I’d get out of the trip when I told her I have a tattoo, but – I think wanting to seem cosmopolitan – she insisted that it wouldn’t be a problem and that I can cover up with a hand towel to prevent offense to fellow bathers. The thing is, whilst I can get away with having a tat, I fear total embarrassment when she actually sees it. You see, I have a flame breathing dragon, starting at the base of my back and spreading its wings across my shoulders. It seemed like a good idea after a full moon party on my gap year, when I was obsessed with Stieg Larsson books, but it’s hard enough to stay in favour with his very chic mother as it is.

I really like this guy and don’t want a stupid decision I made when I was 18 to ruin what I’ve got now. What do you suggest to maintain my reputation with my boyfriend’s family as a classy international?

With thanks,

Tattooed in Tamba

 

 

 

Dear TiT,

 

I have increasing numbers of tattoo related problems to solve but social attitudes are slowly changing to assist you. Considering the impending nudity with your “in-law”, I suggest you tackle the issue head on and take control of the situation. For the inevitable gift you will take, instead of a box of boring local omiyage make it a Game of Thrones box set and explain you are a Targaryen by descent – purple contacts are also easy to source in Japan and will get you bonus points with any teenage siblings your beau may have. Alternatively take tickets to see the Desolation of Smaug, who could deny a dragon’s cool factor after it has been voiced by man of the moment Benedict Cumberbatch?

A final piece of advice for the next time you are on holiday, my Targaryen Tamban: buckets of questionable cocktails are not suitable for someone of your lineage, nor do they make for good life decisions. From now on, class it up with a flaming cocktail worthy of your kin; two parts chartreuse to one part rum – a Flaming Dragon to match your ink.

Pitying and unblemished,

Ava Hart